A Little Something More Personal

It’s very hot, and very sunny here in Calgary at the moment. Walking outside, everything is vivid. Cars (not of the modern muted tones) are cartoonishly bright. The lines on people’s faces are drawn in sharp relief, adding too much depth to the context of every smile or furrowed brow. Smells walk around. A low contrast cloudy day would be nice, a chance to wander through life glossing over the details. As a more introspective person, I am feeling overwhelmed by the volume of external information that is forcing its way in.

When I was young, emotions were intense, primary. How I felt was exactly described by short, precise words: happy, sad, angry, upset, calm. As I grew older, describing how I feel requires longer, fuzzier words, like melancholy, grateful, respectful, overwhelmed, appreciative. Feelings become less delineated, both in description and intensity. As I sit here now, I find no easy words to describe my current state of mind. I try to conjure phrases, prefixing to try to differentiate one shade of gray different from another. Future regretful, tempered happiness, awkward contentment, tense appreciativeness. I think I need a holiday, to get back to happy, relaxed, joyful.

Although I get a couple of hours with my son almost everyday after work, I am missing some parts of his progression through life. A few days ago, when I tried to sit him up by himself, he could only manage staying upright a few seconds. Today, he seems to balance quite well. It’s like seeing a home movie of Lance Armstrong learning to ride a bike with training wheels, immediately followed by clip of him winning the Tour de France for the seventh time. You get the gist of what happened in between, but it still would have been nice to see it. My wife has always been understanding when I stay at work late, but now, I’m finding it harder to find the balance, as staying late at Shopster & missing Elliot’s bedtime, means missing irretrievable moments. Do I really want to be the cliché father, always to busy at work to come to little Johnny’s baseball game? On the other hand, I know I can never be someone who at 5pm, shuts down all thoughts of work.